Out of Step

He's living for the weekend
Ironically, so am I.
Him to have his girl
Me to have my guy.

Thursdays and every other
The clock that guides our life.
The schedule of my stress
The constant guilt I fight.

Parenting in silence
Whispers in his ear
Texting him my thoughts
So that she won't overhear

Biting my tongue again
When sarcasm's at my lips
Beating myself up
When occasionally it slips

Counting down the minutes
Feeling like a fake
Anticipating grocery runs
And a secret Starbuck's break.

Our weekend free approaches
My rope is tied with knots
They are sad and mopey
I am forever caught

Between my guilty happy
For a weekend that's kid free
And sorrow for my other half
Who is fathering absentee.

We are living for the moments
When everything's in sync
When it feels like we are "normal"
Not some monstrous family freak.

I'm learning to trust my Love
Unpacking my bags of fear
Letting go of voices past
Still whispering in my ear.

The hardest part is letting go
Of things I can't control.
The tug of war within my heart
Eventually takes a toll.

Most difficult job I've ever done
A mix of joy and strife
Being stepmom to his gal.
But it's the calling of my life.


Recently, a friend told me I made being a stepmom look easy.  While I appreciated the praise, it made me realize that I have probably been answering "Fine" too much to the question "How are you?" lately.  The truth is that being in a blended family is a struggle most days.  Some of the struggles are bigger than others, but the struggle is real.

Over Labor Day weekend we went on a camping trip as a family.  It was a great long weekend, but it also had some rough moments.  On Sunday afternoon I took some time to sit outside under the trees and do some writing. This is one of the pieces that came out of those quiet moments. 

In case you were thinking I've got things all together, I definitely do not.  This is me keeping it real.  

SOS!

I need help.   Being a stepmom in a blended family is absolutely the hardest role I’ve ever tackled.  I drove to Dallas this weekend to attend the Sisterhood of Stepmoms Retreat looking for help.  I figured a group called SOS ought to understand my desperate need for a life saver.

I was not disappointed.  The Sisterhood was started by Laura Petherbridge, co-author with Ron Deal of The Smart Stepmom.  She and the other ladies brought years and years of experience, wisdom, and Godly principles to the table for the nearly 100 fellow stepmoms desperately thrashing about in the tumultuous stepmom waters crying for help.

I have been extremely blessed with my Stepmom Sponsor, Peggy, this past year, but I was hoping to get connected with other stepmoms on the journey as well.  With Dallas as the location, I thought finding connections in the Houston area would be easy.  It wasn’t.

By Saturday afternoon, I’d connected with several ladies from Oklahoma, and one special gal from Dallas, but no one from the Houston area. 

The second to last session I wanted to attend made me fairly nervous. It was a special breakout session for stepmoms who did not have children of their own.   This is a very tender spot for me, and I almost chickened out because of a desire to avoid what I knew would be a painful subject.

Sure enough, my heart broke listening to the stories and thinking about my own situation.  The tears poured down.  Laura’s story hit me especially hard as she shared her own struggles with the reality of not having children to take care of her someday as she gets older. This is a fear I’ve had for years.  While no parent really wants her children to have to take care of her, there is comfort in knowing you have children who would.  I don’t have that.  Laura reminded me that the Spirit who has been my comforter for the first 41 years of my life isn’t going anywhere.

As I stood up to leave from the session, a lady at a table in front of me stood up and turned around.  Our eyes met.  She was crying the same tears as me.  Our gaze held for a moment, and I considered speaking to her.  Because I knew in that pregnant pause that she got me.

But the moment passed.  I turned and walked away trying to gather myself on the walk downstairs before the final session of the day, on prayer.

The final session closed with a song and an opportunity to journal a prayer.  I sat quietly, fighting tears, not writing.  I listened to the song without words of my own.  All kinds of emotions swirled through me as my heart cried out to God.  It is in moments like these when I am grateful for a Holy Spirit who knows my heart and speaks to God on my behalf.

I left that session exhausted and a little discouraged that I hadn’t met anyone from the Houston area.  I texted Matt about the possibility of coming home early.  His response, “Why would you want to come home?  Why don’t you spend the time up there and network with others?  I miss you too, but I would hate for you to miss out on a possible opportunity.  Do you want to call me?”

So I called him.  And I shared and cried and eventually felt better.  And I stayed.

As I was walking past the pool to dinner, I heard someone call my name.  I turned to see Stephanie from Dallas waving me over.  She was so excited to introduce me to Brenda.  From Houston.  The same lady I’d locked eyes with earlier.  The one I was sure would get me.

The rest of the evening the three of us visited and got to know each other.  Brenda mentioned that when we had shared that teary eye contact earlier, she had wanted to speak to me too.  During the last session, she had journaled a prayer asking God to connect her with someone in the Houston area.

God tossed me a lifeline this weekend, and I finally swam out to grab it.  As I pack up to head home, I am renewed in heart, refreshed in spirit, and reminded of God’s faithfulness.

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

After years of delicious indulgence, I’m breaking up with my long term breakfast sweet, Poptarts.  It was the discovery of their sneaky deception that led me to this drastic departure.  They lured me in with their preparation ease and portability then sealed the deal with their tempting flavors.  But no more.  Last week I glanced at the 200 calorie label and something sinister caught my eye, “Serving Size – 1 pastry”. 

Who eats one poptart?!?  That is 400 calories for breakfast!  The name is “Poptarts” not “Poptart”!  That implies more than one!  They are packaged in pairs. 

Thus began my search for new breakfast options for the gal who has an hour commute and eats in the car.  Oatmeal and cereal are great, but spoons are more than I can navigate at the same time as Westpark, 59, 610, 45, and Beltway.  (For you non-Houston residents, that is 3 major highways and 2 toll roads.)

I came across a recipe for some “clean” zucchini, banana pancakes that inspired my creative juices.  I don’t know much about clean eating other than the 15 second rule, but I figured I could rework my homemade pancake recipe to something a little heartier and healthier.  And that is just what I did.  I substituted whole wheat flour and oatmeal for the white flour, honey for white sugar, and added grated zucchini and mashed banana.  A delicious result.  I often eat pancakes without syrup and enjoy them very much as they have a touch of sweetness already.  This version was also enjoyable without the extra calories.

My recipe makes 12 pancakes, so I bagged them in servings of 2 and put them in the freezer after they had cooled completely.  If you don’t let them cool, condensation will freeze in the bag, and you will have soggy pancakes.  Last night I moved one bag from freezer to refrigerator.  This morning, I popped them in to the toaster, just as easily as the evil poptarts.  Grabbed my travel mug of coffee and pancakes to go.

Hearty Zucchini Banana Pancakes

1 cup whole wheat flour

1/2 cup oatmeal

2 ½ teaspoons baking powder

3/4 teaspoon salt

1 small zucchini, grated

1 banana, mashed

1 egg

3 tablespoons honey

1 cup milk

3 tablespoons butter

Makes 12.  ~238 calories per serving of TWO pancakes

Hearty.  Delicious.  Portable

Yes.  I know it has 3 tablespoons of butter.  I said they were healthier, not healthy.  But I’m considering dropping the butter next time.  We’ll see. 

While Actively Monitoring...

I have a dear friend who is very much like my husband.  One of the qualities she and Matt have in common is their knack for trying to fit in 57 things in the time available for 33 things.  It is a quality that is both endearing and challenging for a spouse.

She recently asked me if I ever felt like I was being dragged along in Matt's wake.  My immediate thought was, "No."  But it's an interesting metaphor that I've thought about frequently in the weeks since she first posed the question.  Today, while "Actively Monitoring," I had an opportunity to put this together in my head and jot it down a line at a time during my brief foot/leg rests.


Slipstream

Pulling me along
In your wake
We fly over waves
Ferocious and free

Wind on my face
Lightening speed
My heart races
Excitement and fear

Exhaustion's undertow
Pulling down
My legs kick faster
Cramping and sore

Always checking
Looking back
You never leave.
My partner in pain.

In quiet waters
You reach out
My hand in yours
Contentment and rest

Ghosts of Heartaches Past

Revenants.

Whispers of fear

Lurking in shadows

Tendril fingers reaching.

Tripping me on pain.

Apparitions.

Waiting patiently

Biding their time

Blitzing from nowhere.

Choking my spirit on dread.

Specters.

Stalking stealthily

Sneaking in uninvited

Sucking out life.

Stealing my breath away.

Phantoms.

Nearly forgotten

Hiding in corners

Brushing against bare skin.

Shivering my soul.

Guardians.

Gently reminding

Rescuers in waiting

Erasing secret doubt.

Soothing my heart.

Confessions of a FB Bragger

Some time back, I got sucked in to one of those random articles that shows up in my newsfeed on Facebook.  It might have been from Huffington Post, but it was something along the lines of “Facebook Personas You Should Avoid”.  I don’t really remember too much about it except for one.  And I’m afraid the worst has happened.  I must confess I’ve turned into that person on FB who always brags about her man.

Last week I posted something about how love is putting a heating pad at the foot of the bed for your wife, etc.  The next day I had to resist the urge to post another “Love is” status update.  In fact, I’ve been resisting the urge quite a lot.  I wouldn’t want to offend someone with my constant praise of my husband…so I’m blogging it instead.  Ha!

As it turns out, I don’t quite agree with the article.  I think praising your spouse is a good thing, especially to him.  But I also think it’s extremely healthy to praise your spouse in front of him.  But this FB posting thing, it’s a whole other thing for me.  My spouse is rarely on FB, so when I post something, he may or may not ever see it.  And I kind of get a kick out of all my FB peeps seeing how awesome he is without him even knowing.  I DO want to brag on him.  Not to make anyone jealous, it is definitely not a “nana nana boo boo” kind of thing.  I just want to share my joy.

And maybe more than that, I do not EVER want to take for granted how awesome he is and how blessed I am.  I see people do that all the time.  I’VE done that before.  Some people think we are just in the “honeymoon” phase.  Maybe.  But I’m ok with staying here.  At least as it pertains to being always grateful for the gift that Matt is to me.

So here are some things that I’ve jotted down recently, and some are things I do for him.  Not to brag about me, but to make a point that I’ll get to in a minute.

• Love is taking the wife’s car back out to get gas at 8:00 p.m.  so she has a full tank in the morning and doesn’t have to fill up in the dark either going to or coming from work across town.
• Love is staying up way past pumpkin regularly to bandage the husband’s head wound after his shower that was long past her bedtime.
• Love is putting toothpaste on your partner’s toothbrush each night when you do your own.
• Love is setting up the coffee the night before so that your partner can get caffeine in his/her system immediately upon becoming vertical.
• Love is making lunches for your wife every single morning including Friday’s when you could sleep in a little.
• Love is a candle lit dinner on the porch with the crystal glasses.
• Love is homemade cookies, just because.
• Love is homemade pancakes, bacon and syrup on Saturday morning.
• Love is knowing that 3 emojis in a row means “I love you.”
• Love is never running out of things to talk about.
• Love is being ok with Friday night takeout and movie at home instead of going out or a home cooked meal.
• Love is doing laundry and cleaning on your day off so the weekend is free for fun stuff.
• Love is holding hands as you fall asleep every single night.  Seriously.  Every.  Single.  Night.

Mostly, I think love is kindness.  I’ll never forget the first time Matt put toothpaste on my toothbrush at the same time as his own.  It wasn’t any big thing.  But I thought it was such a thoughtful and kind gesture.  Every night since then, whoever gets to the toothbrushes first puts the toothpaste on.  Not because it is the expectation, but because it’s just a nice thing to do.

I’ve never  met someone as thoughtful and kind as Matt.  His generosity of love makes me want to be more so in mine.  Is he perfect?  Umm…not even close.  Does he mess up?  Yes.  So do I.  All the time.  Do we talk about it? Absolutely.  And that is different for me.  In my past, I avoided confrontation.  Not anymore. 

The thing about FB and this blog is that once it is out there on the internet, it’s out there.  It is saved.  It is a reminder.  It is a place to look back and see what was.  It is a reminder of how I want it to always be.  So, if you don’t like my husband praising status updates, ok.  I’m totally comfortable with you not following me or even unfriending me.  But seriously, my husband is A-Maz-Ing!!!

How To Write A Love Note

Writing a love letter is not as complicated or difficult as you might think.  In fact, 

very few words are required at all.  Just speak from the heart.

I enjoy love notes that are a reflection of their author.

Love notes can be written on any kind of special stationery.

Thoughtful wishes for the day are nice.

Sometimes flattery is just the thing.

It doesn't take much to make a girl smile.

All that really matters is speaking from the heart.

If you don't think you can write a love note, you should give it a try.  It is the easiest thing.  It only requires a moment of time.  Valentine's Day is great.  But a girl who gets love notes daily, is blessed beyond measure.  Our Valentine weekend has had forensic photographer interruptions beyond our control.  But my sweet Valentine celebrates me every day.  He is amazing, and I am the luckiest.