I just finished reading the book Same Kind of Different as Me. Literally, I just finished it. It is an awesome book. Go buy it and read it tomorrow. It is the true story of an international art dealer and a homeless man and the life changing way God brings them together. Unbelievable. You will laugh, cry, and question.
It is just one more reminder that life is about relationships. If you want to make a difference in this world, enter into an authentic relationship with another mere mortal and love him the same way God loves you. And if you are really daring, try loving someone you think is unlovable.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Saturday, October 4, 2008
The Great Fear
Last year was a difficult one for me professionally as it seemed the focus of my job went from counseling to “other duties as assigned”, the primary other duty being state testing. I don’t love the stress of testing, but I have to admit that the organization of it appeals to my controlling side that loves to create order out of chaos. It is a beautiful thing to see it all come together after so many weeks of frantic planning and frenzied sorting, bubbling, and training.
By February I was in full testing mode and very little counseling was happening. To make matters worse, this was the year that the other counselor’s status had changed from full time to a split position between my school and another. In years past, I knew that if I wasn’t seeing kids during testing season, someone else was. Not this time.
So, frustrated and disheartened, I began to actively look for another job because “I wasn’t getting to be a counselor anymore.”
With each application I prayed that if it was the right job for me, I would get an offer, and if it wasn’t, I wouldn’t. This was the fleece I was putting out to verify what God wanted from me. Four separate opportunities came and went. And though I was disappointed, I became convinced that God already had me right where He wanted me. So I started this year feeling pretty ambivalent; I wanted to be where God wanted me, but I was pretty sure He had made a mistake.
In the meantime, I was invited to join a small book club who met Wednesday mornings at 7 a.m. I readily agreed and was super excited about the new book they were starting, The Shack, by William P. Young. I’d been hearing about this book and planned to read it anyway, so I jumped right in.
Usually, I read a book in 2 to 3 days. This one is way too meaty for rushing. When my little brother was much younger, he had many dietary problems. But one of the things that I found particularly strange was the way he would keep a piece of meat in his mouth for literally hours. He’d just keep chewing and chewing without swallowing.
The first section of The Shack was like this for me. Young sets up the book by telling about a very tragic event in Mack’s (the main character’s) life that leads to The Great Sadness. I kept chewing and chewing on the words he used to describe it: overanxious, panicky, paralyzed, overwhelmed, angry, swept helplessly away.
I can so relate to Mack. Young writes, “Almost succumbing to the sudden blackness that threatened to smother him, Mack leaned on the table to keep from passing out or throwing up.” There were days last year when that was how I felt.
And over several weeks, I continued to chew on those words that so resonated with me. They puzzled me though because they made sense when my experience wasn’t at all like Mack’s. Unlike Mack, I wasn’t feeling particularly sad. So I kept chewing until one day I figured out what it was I was tasting in those words.
It was kind of like the close up, CSI view of the tumblers on a fancy lock all falling into place and then CLICK, that distinctive sound of everything coming together. I realized that what I had tasted in those words was not sadness but fear.
I am very much afraid of being a counselor! Counseling is very scary work. When a 10 year old walks in and tells you about how she has been sexually abused for years and she’s never told anyone before…it’s terrifying.
Or perhaps the one who comes crying with a broken heart because on some crazy whim his father is no longer allowing his son to call him “dad”. How am I supposed to fix that?
Or what about when you’ve done the hard stuff, made the reports, and now you have to go to court and be cross examined by four different lawyers with four separate agendas that don't seem to take into account several very lost and afraid children? It gives me the shivers just remembering it.
And cutting, this new (to me) phenomena where people feel compelled to inflict physical pain on themselves because they are so desperate to feel something, even if it is pain. I can't even begin to relate to that. Scary.
Somewhere along the way, The Great Fear descended on me and I became paralyzed at the thought of what might walk in my office next.
So testing, and all the craziness that comes with it, had become my escape. My problem wasn’t that I wanted to do more counseling; I wanted to do less! And when I thought back on all those job opportunities, I realized they all had one thing in common: less counseling. Less delving into the sticky, yucky, scary mess of relationships.
But God, in His infinite wisdom has not let me off the hook. He didn’t let me run away because He has me right where He wants me. Only, He wants me to face The Great Fear and get back to doing the job He has already given me—counseling.
I’ve begun to do just that, but not alone. It was during the first week that kids came back to school that my enlightenment happened, and I began praying daily for God to give me the courage to walk in to The Great Fear in order to fulfill my mission as His disciple. And what exciting times the first six weeks have been!
By February I was in full testing mode and very little counseling was happening. To make matters worse, this was the year that the other counselor’s status had changed from full time to a split position between my school and another. In years past, I knew that if I wasn’t seeing kids during testing season, someone else was. Not this time.
So, frustrated and disheartened, I began to actively look for another job because “I wasn’t getting to be a counselor anymore.”
With each application I prayed that if it was the right job for me, I would get an offer, and if it wasn’t, I wouldn’t. This was the fleece I was putting out to verify what God wanted from me. Four separate opportunities came and went. And though I was disappointed, I became convinced that God already had me right where He wanted me. So I started this year feeling pretty ambivalent; I wanted to be where God wanted me, but I was pretty sure He had made a mistake.
In the meantime, I was invited to join a small book club who met Wednesday mornings at 7 a.m. I readily agreed and was super excited about the new book they were starting, The Shack, by William P. Young. I’d been hearing about this book and planned to read it anyway, so I jumped right in.
Usually, I read a book in 2 to 3 days. This one is way too meaty for rushing. When my little brother was much younger, he had many dietary problems. But one of the things that I found particularly strange was the way he would keep a piece of meat in his mouth for literally hours. He’d just keep chewing and chewing without swallowing.
The first section of The Shack was like this for me. Young sets up the book by telling about a very tragic event in Mack’s (the main character’s) life that leads to The Great Sadness. I kept chewing and chewing on the words he used to describe it: overanxious, panicky, paralyzed, overwhelmed, angry, swept helplessly away.
I can so relate to Mack. Young writes, “Almost succumbing to the sudden blackness that threatened to smother him, Mack leaned on the table to keep from passing out or throwing up.” There were days last year when that was how I felt.
And over several weeks, I continued to chew on those words that so resonated with me. They puzzled me though because they made sense when my experience wasn’t at all like Mack’s. Unlike Mack, I wasn’t feeling particularly sad. So I kept chewing until one day I figured out what it was I was tasting in those words.
It was kind of like the close up, CSI view of the tumblers on a fancy lock all falling into place and then CLICK, that distinctive sound of everything coming together. I realized that what I had tasted in those words was not sadness but fear.
I am very much afraid of being a counselor! Counseling is very scary work. When a 10 year old walks in and tells you about how she has been sexually abused for years and she’s never told anyone before…it’s terrifying.
Or perhaps the one who comes crying with a broken heart because on some crazy whim his father is no longer allowing his son to call him “dad”. How am I supposed to fix that?
Or what about when you’ve done the hard stuff, made the reports, and now you have to go to court and be cross examined by four different lawyers with four separate agendas that don't seem to take into account several very lost and afraid children? It gives me the shivers just remembering it.
And cutting, this new (to me) phenomena where people feel compelled to inflict physical pain on themselves because they are so desperate to feel something, even if it is pain. I can't even begin to relate to that. Scary.
Somewhere along the way, The Great Fear descended on me and I became paralyzed at the thought of what might walk in my office next.
So testing, and all the craziness that comes with it, had become my escape. My problem wasn’t that I wanted to do more counseling; I wanted to do less! And when I thought back on all those job opportunities, I realized they all had one thing in common: less counseling. Less delving into the sticky, yucky, scary mess of relationships.
But God, in His infinite wisdom has not let me off the hook. He didn’t let me run away because He has me right where He wants me. Only, He wants me to face The Great Fear and get back to doing the job He has already given me—counseling.
I’ve begun to do just that, but not alone. It was during the first week that kids came back to school that my enlightenment happened, and I began praying daily for God to give me the courage to walk in to The Great Fear in order to fulfill my mission as His disciple. And what exciting times the first six weeks have been!
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