Bulimic

I need a purge

Of my churning thoughts

Making me sick at heart.

A bitter rumble

Of anger and judgment

Ripping my brain apart.

Each dark thought

Simmering, burning

Acid in my brain

Begins to seep

Down to my lips

Raining words of pain.

I need a syrup

Of ipecac

Vomit my viral thoughts

Cleansing purge

Of bitterness

Healing brain of rot.

I went to bed frustrated on Friday night about things totally out of my control.  When I woke up Saturday, my mind continued to spiral.  Irritation and anger made me grumpy, and my joyful hope for the weekend began to wane. 

I knew that part of my problem was the very difficult two weeks of school I’d just completed.  I was emotionally exhausted and mentally drained.  Sometimes my job is so much pouring out that at the end of weeks like these, I’m running on fumes.  Eventually I come to a sputtering stop.

After a very sweet flute concert, I sent my loves off to the museum, Grandpa, Dad, and daughter.  I knew I needed the time by myself to regroup and refill.  But I could not shift the focus of my brain.  I was so annoyed and could not seem to stop fixating on the source of my ire.

I was texting with my BFF and trying to explain my need to purge my brain.  I knew that I was only making myself miserable, and that I needed to let it go.  I’m a counselor for goodness sake.  I know the toxicity of bitterness.

I’d planned to do my big Thanksgiving grocery run but had forgotten my purse at home, so I ended up back at the house.  It seemed like a good idea to put in a load of laundry while I was there.   And like the mouse and the cookie, that one load lead to dusting, another load, folding, organizing, picking up, and a third load.  Eventually, with the help of my Casting Crowns station on iHeart Radio, I had a much cleaner house, an organized grocery list, a less cluttered brain, and a spirit at peace.

High School Counselor

Today I watched a parent humiliate her man child in front of me and two other women.  It brought him to tears.  And when he tried to cover those tears, she scolded him more.  It was one of the most heartbreaking scenes I’ve watched play out before me in a long time.  It is still replaying in my mind, a horrifying loop of brokenness of spirit in his wet, red eyes.

Earlier in the day one of my frequent flyers showed up with fresh scratches marking her anxiety over the loss of a friend .  As we colored, she played songs for me on her phone that spoke feelings she wasn’t ready to articulate because this wasn’t the first time she’d lost someone to suicide.

Yesterday I decided to take on a basketball project.  I have this gifted player who didn’t make the team because of grades.  And brains aren’t the problem either.  The problem is moving to a new school and being fifteen and hormonal and unorganized and unaccountable.

Before that, there was a call from a fellow high school counselor in another district who had a student report that one of my students texted her student about wanting to die.

But before I could speak with that student I had to track down another student who has figured out that texting his mom about hating school and his life and wanting to die…is a great way to get to go home.

And both of those conversations led to lots of phone time with parents and documentation and research about resources and did I mention phone time with parents?  Because the parents needed to talk too.  Understandably.

I also made a CPS report yesterday.  Reluctantly.  Because you never quite know if that will be beneficial or harmful to a 15 year old high school student.  They are unpredictable…CPS AND high school students.  But I erred on the side of caution and made the report, after getting timed out three separate times due to inactivity while I conferenced with children who thought they might want to die.  Meanwhile, this child most definitely did NOT want to die. 

And today, a police officer showed up to ask me questions about that same student.  And then he interviewed the student.  And then he went and got money from an ATM to put on her account so she could eat. 

I can’t even remember what day it was, but another day this week one of my kids who graduated in 2013 came back to see me.  He checks in periodically.  Because me and another couple of people up at school are the only reliable adults he’s ever had in his life.  And sometimes he needs to talk.  And it takes time and energy I don’t have left.  But hugging his neck four or five times a year is one of the best things. 

Tomorrow is Friday.  And in the counseling center we are counting down the class periods to a much needed respite.  A break where we can deal with the craziness of our own families instead of someone else’s.  I’ll begin the day with Starbucks and end it with basketball, because even counselors have their vices…I mean coping strategies.  And in between, I may change some schedules.  Because that’s what counselors do…

Biggest Loser

Mom bought Ipad

Won that round.

With trampoline

Dad gains ground.

Easy Bake

Brought a grin,

But homemade cookies

For the win.

Mom’s attention

To herself.

Daddy’s shared

With someone else.

Tooth fairy mom

Gives a ten.

Tooth fairy dad

Ones again.

Vacation time

Which is best?

Local trips

Or Disney fest?

Edging closer

Mom bought phone.

Daddy’s lead

Swiftly blown.

Always tracking

Keeping score.

Stressing presents

Who spent more?

Feels like love’s

A competition.

Isn’t that

A contradiction?

Constant stressing

About the plan.

Good enough?

Or lesser than?

Throw in towel

I give up.

I can’t compete

To win your love.

Even when we

Aren’t the loser

Always fear that

She will choose her.

You can say all you want to that it’s not a competition, but until you’ve been on this field, you cannot fully comprehend the pull of the game.  When children are involved, divorce is the ultimate game of tug of war.  No matter how hard you try, or how many times you give it over to God, there is a constant inner struggle for the desire of your child’s loyalty and favor.  When you only get to see your precious one Thursday nights and every other weekend, you long to be the winner on occasion.

With Halloween, we have officially entered the competition season.  It is closely followed by birthday and Christmas in our home, and nothing brings out the desire to win your child’s affection quite like those holidays.

It isn’t always a conscious battle.  Sometimes it sneaks up on you in subtle ways as your child begins listing her birthday and Christmas wishes.  You begin to think about the budget and the gifts and the all important question of the mother’s gift plans.  And that is a rabbit hole that will cause you madness beyond any un-birthday tea party.

It is the beginning of wondering if your gift is good enough.  If your love is good enough.  If you are good enough.

This past weekend of birthday, we chose to purchase within the budget and within what we considered reasonable and appropriate for our family.  We provided a great birthday weekend and celebration.  But we knew that we had not purchased the most desired gift.

After hearing about the mom’s birthday gift tonight, we knew our girl had gotten the really big thing.  I asked Matt how he felt about that.  He said, “It’s just the way it is.  We do something while mom waits and does something bigger.”

That made me sad.  Until he went on to say this, “But what we are giving her is what she needs most.  And I’m comfortable with that.”

He wasn’t referring to our birthday gift but to our family.  And he is right.  If we ever are going to “win,” I want it to be a win of heart.  Of family.  Of boundaries.  Of stability and consistency.  Of a Christ centered home.  Of unconditional love.