Lifesavers

I read a note from Modern Mrs.Darcie recently that struck a cord with me.  She invited email responses to the question she answered, but I decided to post my answer here. The question?

What is saving your life right now?

I love this question because it takes the focus away from the very real and big struggles of being a new wife, stepmom, and parenting partner with the "ex".  And let me be clear, the last item on that list is GIANT! 

But I like the idea of stopping to celebrate the things in my life that are saving me and helping me cope.  

1.  Coffee.  My comfort beverage. There are few things as soothing to my soul as stopping in Starbucks for a cup of coffee and pausing to enjoy it.  Last week after a particularly trying day of parent partnering, I stopped for coffee before heading to HEB.  Sitting outside in the sun with my favorite tall beverage, I was still and found some peace.  

Occasionally I'll have an afternoon cup at work as well.  When the day is spinning out of control, an afternoon cup is exactly the pause I need. 

2.  Talk radio.  Seriously.  The emotional demands of my current life are exhausting, and I rarely get enough sleep. The 45 minute morning commute is rough.  Matt Patrick has become a dear friend who keeps me awake and between the lines.

3.  The afternoon commute. I never thought I'd see it as a blessing, but most days, it is.  It gives me time to unwind before I get to the whirlwind of activity that is my new life.

4.  Love notes.  My sweet Matt makes my lunch every day. In every lunch, there is a bag with a sweet note or drawing. And EVERY SINGLE TIME, it makes me smile.  And helps me breathe.

5.  My sponsor.  I have very good friends that I can talk to any time. They are the best.  But in the new land of stepfamily craziness, I realized quickly that I need more specialized guidance. If the first step is admitting you have a problem, I'm there.  I know I do.  So I started praying that God would send a fellow pilgrim on the journey who understood the pitfalls. But I wanted someone further along who'd already forged a path that was working. And it needed to be someone who wouldn't just sit around and gripe with me, because I'm good at that all by myself.  I needed someone with grace and compassion and helpful suggestions!

God sent me Peggy. She said she wouldn't be my sponsor, but she'd be my friend.  That works, though I still think of her as my wiser, experienced, "sober" sponsor.  We've met twice now and plan to continue.  She is SO uplifting and encouraging.  She gets how hard this path is, but she shows me that it's worth it.  She truly "sees" me in the present struggles and fully knows the pain.  She gives me hope that I'll survive the holidays.  Holidays can be difficult for traditional families. For stepfamilies, they can be a nightmare.  (And it was very positive of me to say "can be" because presently it feels more like "definitely are" is more accurate.)

6.  Undisturbed moments with Matt.  They are rare. Things are always pushing in.  Good things. Bad things. Time sucking things. When we have an evening without commitments or calls or chaos, it is absolutely sacred.  And absolutely vital to my survival. 

I am extremely grateful for the blessing of my new family. But I'd be lying if I said we were having an easy time of it. There is nothing easy about becoming a vital, healthy stepfamily. It is excruciating. 

In fact, I think it's about time for a cup of therapy...I mean coffee.

Palmolive

We recently switched to Palmolive dish washing soap per the recommendation of a plumber.  Apparently, the original Palmolive and Dawn soaps are the best for cutting grease and therefore the best for the old pipes in our home.  The smell of Palmolive takes me way back to standing on a chair to rinse between Steve and Richard, the washer and dryer.  I'm pretty sure their goal was to see how many times they could make me scream.  I did my best to even the score by perfecting my tattle tale skills.  This is just a little something that came from smelling soap last night.  :)

Scent Memories

Palmolive green

Smell of clean

Suds piled high

Siblings side by side

Washer

Rinser

Dryer

Suds stacked higher

Fights in between

With spray nozzle stream

Rinser vamooses

With bathroom excuses

Washer sprays dryer

Playing with fire

Wet towel snap

Bare skin zap

Chaos and fun

Dishes are done. 

Stretching the Seams

Marriage and stepmoming are kind of awesome.  But I’ve also found them to be like a new pair of jeans that fit a little snug.  They have all the awesome sparkles that fancy jeans do, the hugs and kisses and Friday’s pizza and movies, but they also have a little muffin top and waste squeezing when I sit.  You know, the no-more-alone time and crazy, talking-through- the-tough-stuff-after-10:00 nights that leave me exhausted.

I married the first time right out of college.  Because we did not have kids (a long, tragic story), and after a few years  spent very little time together in any meaningful way, I had a lot of time on my own.  I developed lots of habits and routines that didn’t really involve anyone else but me.  Later, after the divorce, I began to develop more of a social life, but I still had plenty of freedom to relax and veg as I wanted.

All of that changed after the “I do”s.  Team Matt and Laura actually do most things as a team, and I love it.  We clean together, work together, and play together.  When Isabelle is with us, we go hard.  Whether doing homework or packing in the fun, we are always on the go.  My jeans are fabulously sparkly.

On the other hand, some of that alone time I used to have…well…I miss it.  I miss having the opportunity to sit in front of the television and watch four back-to-back episodes of Criminal Minds while crocheting the next niece or nephew afghan.  I miss a lazy Saturday sleeping in followed by Starbucks and a leisurely mani/pedi .  It makes me feel like I need to suck in my gut.

So I’ve been learning recently how to stretch the seams a little.  I’ve discovered the mystery behind my mom friend’s glee at getting to go grocery shopping alone.  The first time I found myself walking the HEB aisles solo I felt strangely liberated.  Besides that, I’d picked up a grande, nonfat, no whip, three pump mocha along the way.  I’ve also learned that on the nights when Matt has HOA board meetings or some other commitment, those are my nights to be vegetable like. 

And then there is the commute.  From home to work takes about 45 minutes depending on the traffic.  Rather than the drag I imagined it would be, it’s become a morning gear up and afternoon wind down opportunity.  A couple times a week it is also prime time for talking to my mom, hands free of course.

Every day and week we are married, these fabulous, sparkle-butt jeans (as my sweet math friend calls them) begin to get a little more comfortable.  I find ways to grab moments I need for renewal that give them a little stretch.  Of course they always get a little snug again in the wash, but I’m beginning to have more confidence that each time, with a little wear, they will loosen.  I suspect that they will eventually become that favorite, go to pair that feel like home.

My Favorite Gladiator

I've read much on educational leadership over the years and experienced many styles first hand. I know all about leading by fear and the tears of frustration and hurt when principals need to flex their muscles to feel powerful by making someone else feel small.

I've seen the chaos of those entirely oblivious to the shenanigans happening in classrooms because they prefer to lead with their heads in the sand. I've sweat buckets under the watchful eye of the micromanagers who show no confidence in the professionals they hired to do the job they were trained to do.

But the most effective school leader I've ever known has an entirely different approach. He leads by love.

Steve West is one of a kind. He is six foot twenty-two, or something like that, and probably the kindest, most tender-hearted guy I've known in education.  Working for him and with him was a joy.

He's been in education for a while, but the last 11 years of his career have been at Greenways Intermediate.  This is where I met him, 11 years ago.

I don't think he has any magical educational powers or super genius educational methods.  What he does have is a giant heart that translates to knowing his 800+ students by name each year.  Kids have to jump up high to reach his high five, but it's the highlight of their day.  They may not have daddy's at home, but there is a big teddy bear at school who always has a ready hug and smile.

The Greenways family is unique.  People want to work for Mr. West. Again, not because of his instructional genius, but because of his love.  Mr. West loves his faculty and staff with the same generosity as his students.  In a world where hugs are so often frowned on, Mr. West still hugs his people.

He knows what is going on in their lives.  The GIS family has had its share of heartache over the 11 years it's been open, but this past year stretched them to the brink. They've lost spouses and children, parents and friends. They've shed buckets of tears together all while going about the business of loving and educating kids.  Oh yeah, and passing tests. Because that's what we do in education.

Don't get me wrong, Mr. West is not perfect. There were a number of times in my eight years there when I was accused of flipping him off in my mind...for good reason.  We didn't always agree on the execution of plans.  I occasionally wanted him to be a little more of the lead by fear guy when someone wasn't taking care of business. But I never once questioned his love for the kids, the faculty, or me.

In May of my seventh year at Greenways, I found myself in the depths of the worst possible pit of personal struggle. My marriage was crumbling around me and I was in a place of extreme crisis and fear.  Besides my two best friends and my family in Houston, for quite some time, the only people in my professional life who knew what was going on were my other counselor and Mr. West.

I was most definitely not at my best professionally, and I needed him to know why.  His approach?  Love. And grace.  He didn't ask questions, and I didn't offer details.  He offered a daily hug, or several. He allowed me to change positions in order to accommodate my pending legal frustrations and eventual move back home.

More than that, he never doubted my ability to do my job.  He continued to treat me as a professional and expressed the same confidence in me as a counselor that he always had.  And in a time of extreme self doubt, this was a healing balm.

I came back to Amarillo this weekend for a party in my honor. An opportunity for my Amarillo family to meet my new loves. And who was there to share in my joy?  My Greenways family, of course.

Neither before nor since have I experienced this degree of family in my career.  I get it from my actual family. And my church family in Houston is a rock. But professionally, this level of bond is rare.

And at its heart is Steve West, more specifically, his heart. He gets teary and choked up at the drop of a hat. He hugs his people with total disregard for political correctness. He high fives and hugs even the stinkiest and dirtiest of kids.  And we love him for it.

He knows PLCs and data. Best practices and strategic learning.  His campus improvement plan is as good as they get. But his leadership is all heart. He's just loving people. And it works.

Life is Uncertain. Eat Dessert First.

All of the ingredients came together in sweet perfection. I raced home from work to get my lofty supper plan going.  I'd had a random idea to make cinnamon apples to go with our Tex Mex menu and they needed to get in the crockpot pronto.

By the time the apples were on and the enchiladas assembled, Matt and Isabelle were on their way home, with a small Blue Bell detour. It's Thursday. Thursdays are Isabelle days.

Time is short on Thursdays, and the goal is to squeeze in all the good stuff possible.  Supper in progress, I had a few minutes to squeeze in some thank you writing before I heard Isabelle run up to the door and hastily make her way to me.

A nine year old, running hug greeting is pretty much it.

Greetings and hugs and a quick change had us ready for the pool.  When we go to the pool, we are without exception, the only parents who get in with their kids every time, for the whole time. I think for Isabelle, this is heaven.

After a cool swim, I left to finish supper.  By the time they got home, supper was ready and another couple of thank you notes written.  They set the table. Matt served and blessed. And we had a delicious meal that was a win for all eaters. Yes!

After, I asked them to clear the table and rinse the dishes so I could squeeze in a few more notes. Isabelle asked if she could scrub dishes. Can you scrub dishes?  Why yes. Yes you can. On a chair. So Matt gave instructions and they set out to clean. All smiles.

I praised their spotless finish and thanked them, to which Isabelle responded, "I think it's fun."  I agreed. Doing things as a family, as a team, IS fun. I'm glad that tonight she wants to be on the team.

And if all of that wasn't enough, there was dessert. "Mr. Bean's Holiday" and vanilla Blue Bell with homemade cinnamon apples, still warm.

I know that every Thursday won't be this delicious. That is why I'm savoring this one. Just before the movie started, Isabelle said, "For our first family Christmas, I think we should watch 'Christmas vacation'."  All Thursdays may not be like this one, but I'm glad to know that she is already looking ahead to many more special family times.

Moments of Clarity

The past four weeks have been a blur.  Family and friends from all over the country came into town.  I got married.  I went on a seven day cruise out of the country and experienced things I've never even imagined.  I came back to town and began to settle my things in my new home, at least enough to get dressed and ready for church or work.  And I became a full time step mom.

Being a step mom is no small thing.  In fact, it's maybe one of the biggest things that has ever happened in my life.  And I hit it head on with Isabelle all to myself while her daddy was at work.  All while trying to do that whole "settling in" thing.  It had seemed like such a good idea to schedule it that way six weeks earlier...

The reality looked me straight in the face our first morning alone when she knocked on the door and came in and got in bed with me.  She was so happy to see me.  And I was scared to death.  What in the world am I supposed to do with this nine year old mussed up slip of a girl staring at me with grand expectation in her eyes?  But we managed.

And then we had this crazy idea to take a family vacation.  But not just any vacation, a Matt style vacation. What is Matt style?  Matt style means packing in as much fun as possible into every second of the day.  It means doing 57 things in the time and space for 33.

Two days of Fiesta Texas.  One day of Sea World.  One day of River Walk and Fire Department Museum. 262 miles of walking in 119 degree weather.  22 roller coasters going miles above the earth at 153 miles per hour.  And the biggest mass of tattooed and pierced humanity I've seen at one time in my whole life.  Ok, some of that is an exaggeration, but that's pretty much what the week felt like.

And it was a grand opportunity for the Milams to see each other at their very best and worst.  The highs of conquering the Iron Rattler and the lows of ride closing, lightening heart break.  The glory of Shamu and the agony of driving in circles looking for the amazing food network reviewed restaurant just to end up at Red Robin.  Arriving at opening, leaving at closing, and utter exhaustion in the baking, sweaty heat.

It was an opportunity to learn lessons about not getting everything we want.  But it was also learning gratitude for the amazing things we do get.  Lessons about doing things that everyone enjoys even if it means we walk through some of the rides.  And that crucial go to the restroom while you have a chance lesson.

It's been fun.  And it's been exhausting.  And I must admit that this new step mom has been completely overwhelmed, annoyed, terrified, and overjoyed to the point of tears on multiple occasions.

But tonight, I got a little reminder of why it's all worth while.  After she'd returned to her mom and I finished preparations for my first day back at work, Matt showed me this treasure she'd left.

Someone is paying attention to the lessons. She is struggling to figure it all out the same as me.  But sometimes when I'm trying to make sure I do it all right and when I'm most feeling like I may not be quite good enough, she reminds me of what is most important.

Inspired Aisle Runner

Matt and I had our first date on July 12th, 2013.  On September 23, I posted Ephesians 3:20 on Facebook, "Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory...".  It may have seemed like a random post, but it was absolutely a comment on Matt.  From the very beginning of our relationship, I was overwhelmed by Matt's amazingness.

When we began planning our wedding, we both wanted to do some things that were a little different and unique.  The invitation for example.  It was a huge undertaking but turned out pretty awesome. Matt challenged me to come up with something special for the ceremony decoration.  I came across this and thought it was interesting, though I wasn't sure what Matt would think.

Matt loved it, but I thought maybe I could come up with something a little better.  This one has quotes and song lyrics, which is nice, but still...

We bought the runner and made a plan for rolling it out, but I'd come up with nothing.  I was pondering I Corinthians 13 for inspiration.  I thought maybe it could be the backdrop and that I could write something based upon that traditional wedding verse.  Weeks from the wedding, I still had nothing.

Then I remembered Ephesians 3.  I had quoted that verse so many times to others as I told them about Matt and our relationship.  The verse completely characterized our relationship and the way God had blessed me immeasurably more than all I could have asked or imagined.  In fact, a friend of mine challenged me four years ago to make a list of all of the qualities I would want in a man.  At that time, I wasn't even interested in dating.  But I did it anyway.  Later, just days before Matt proposed, I took out the list and compared it to Matt.  I thought my list was fairly exhaustive and frankly, unrealistic.  I was wrong.  Matt is everything on that list and immeasurably more.  God has so blessed me!

So I decided Ephesians 3 would be the backdrop.  Once that decision was made, the poem came easily one night.  It didn't seem exactly right, but I figured we could go with it.  I shared it with Matt, and he loved it. Then came the hard part, figuring out how to get it on the runner.

On the evening of July 4th, days before the wedding, we went up to Matt's work to make it happen. He has a hall long enough to spread out the runner and a printer that could print a template.  Once we started working on the layout of the verse and poem, we realized it was going to be too short.  We tossed around some possibilities for stretching the sizing, but I really didn't like that plan.

I told Matt I was going to go into his office to see if I could come up with another stanza.  It hadn't ever felt quite right and complete to me.  I gave him my phone so I wouldn't be distracted and took my iPad in to write.

When I headed in to write it was probably 9:00 p.m., and I was tired.   I sat at Matt's desk and prayed, "Lord help me come up with something. This is not the ideal creative setting.  I'm tired.  I have no idea where to start.  But whatever it is, I want it to glorify you."

As soon as I finished that thought, I realized what was missing. In the original poem, the first stanza was about Matt being immeasurably more than I could ask or imagine. The second stanza was about how I am immeasurably more because of our relationship. The last stanza was about how we are immeasurably more as a team. So what was missing?  The foundation.  I realized I'd left God out.  No wonder it hadn't felt complete.  I began writing, with that thought and I Corinthians 13 in mind, and came up with what became the third stanza in just a few minutes.  The team Matt and Laura stanza became the last.

When I shared it with Matt, he agreed. Now it was finished. It felt inspired. I know I'm no Maya Angelou. But for me, for us, it was perfect. He plugged the final piece in and it made the runner the exact length we needed.  At about 3:00 a.m., wrists and knees aching, it was finished.

Getting started.

Finishing up.  I was so tired!

Setting up at the church.

The dramatic finish.

On the big day, two of my nieces and nephews unrolled the runner between the lights, straightened it, and flipped on the lights all to the piano tune of "All of Me" by John Legend.  I imagine it was quite dramatic and beautiful.  And I can only imagine as it was set just before the entrance of my matron of honor, my BFF Kim, and flower girl, my precious new stepdaughter Isabelle.  After family pictures, our photographer took some special ones of Matt and I with the runner and rose petals.  I cannot wait to see and share those special photos.

After the ceremony, quite a few people stood around trying to read the text on the runner and got shooed out so we could take pictures.  Many others who know me and suspected I had written it have asked to read it.  Below is our very precious and inspired runner.

Now to Him 

who is able to do 

immeasurably more 

than all we ask or 

imagine, according 

to His power that is 

at work within us, 

to Him be glory...

forever and ever!  

Amen.  

Ephesians 3:20-21

Immeasurably more 

Than I could dream.

Immeasurably more 

Than I dared believe.

More love

More hope

More hugs and kisses.

More share

More safe

More help with dishes.

More kind

More lead

More "I was wrong."

More touch

More care

More "You are strong."

Immeasurably more

Appreciation.

Immeasurably more

Adoration.

More challenge

More push

More speaking out.

More honest

More brave

More free of doubt.

More candor

More real

More authentic.

More sparkle

More laughs

More silly limerick.

Immeasurably more

Spiritual connection.

Immeasurably more

Heart protection.

More gentle

More patient

More content.

More humble

More honor

More selflessness.

More forgive

More joy

More counting blessings.

More belief

More trust

More soul refreshing.

Immeasurably more

When we're together.

Immeasurably more

No matter the weather.

More give

More take

More compromise.

More talk

More work

More apologize.

More us

More we

More lean on me.

More partner

More strength

More M & L Team.