Confession

I am a sinner. This isn’t any new revelation; I grew up in church, so I understand the concept. I’m a sinner, saved by grace…blah, blah, blah. The thing that is different for me lately is that I find myself struggling with sin constantly. And maybe that isn’t new either. Maybe what is different is the kind of sin I’m struggling with. Or maybe it is just that I am more aware of my struggle with sin lately.

I guess if I’m brutally honest though, the real difference is that I find myself so enjoying the sin that I’m really NOT struggling at all. I’m just sinning. It’s just so enticing. Numbing even. You get into some sin and it just becomes normal, habit, not so bad compared to stuff the “real” sinners are doing.

I have been fighting this battle for several months. My spirit has always been sensitive though, so in the back of my mind, it’s been bothering me. And I have been actively pushing those convicting thoughts aside. Consciously ignoring God’s prompting. Willfully, stubbornly doing what I want to do. But man is He persistent.

A while back I started hearing a song by Jars of Clay. It talks about how with one hand I’m pulling God closer, but with the other hand, I’m pushing Him away. But if I had two hands, doing the same thing…

That is so me. Deep down, I desire to be a disciple of Christ. I want to know Him more daily, be closer to Him, walk with Him. But on the other hand, I want to do what I want to do. Period. I know Paul experienced the same thing. He talks about the war that rages inside of us. Doing the things we don’t want to do…

But God has just kept chasing me. I started praying a few weeks ago that I’d want to quit sinning. Not that I would quit…I just wasn’t there yet. Just for the desire to do right. Maybe that isn’t what I should have been praying, but I knew that praying for forgiveness was a big fat lie. Because I had no intention of turning away from the sin. So, I prayed that I’d want to quit sinning.

Nothing profound happened. I didn’t have any kind of miraculous breakthrough. But I began thinking about the possibility of not sinning. I began thinking about what would have to happen to make that a reality.

Sunday, in praise team practice, we sang “Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing”. For the second verse, we sang a more recent version.

I was lost in utter darkness, Till you came and rescued me.
I was bound by all my sin when Your love came and set me free.

There is more to the verse, but that is the part that hit me. The visual of being bound, shackled, by my sin. Then I started thinking about the old story of how you train an elephant. When he is little, you chain him up. He learns that he can’t get free. When he gets older and bigger, you can just tie him up with a rope because he has learned that he is bound and can’t escape, so he doesn’t even try.

I started thinking that I had become bound by a rope. I wasn’t even trying to escape. A comfortable prisoner. A stupid elephant.

After church, I spoke with our pastor Brian. Let me just pause here to say that I have consciously started referring to Brian as a pastor because he is. He is certainly a good preacher, but he has become a pastor to me. So…I know that makes some people uncomfortable, but whatever. He pastors me.

Anyway, I asked Brian to keep me in his prayers about this sin struggle. I gave him the 3 minute version as people are always standing around waiting to talk to him (he pastors other people too). I even confessed to him that I wasn’t particularly wanting to quit sinning. He got that. He told me the sin metaphor about two dogs raging within us. The “good dog” and the “bad dog”. And the way to conquer the “bad dog” is to starve it, while simultaneously feeding the “good dog”. That made sense to me. Then he prayed with me, and we went on our separate ways.

Being the weak and pitiful sinner that I am, I left there thinking, “I don’t even want to starve the ‘bad dog’” So, I wimpishly prayed that God would remove opportunities for me to feed the “bad dog”. And being the amazingly graceful and faithful God that He is, He has been doing that. And that led me to the place where I don’t want to sin anymore. It just kind of snuck up on me. I’m ready to quit. After months of struggle, I finally desire to do right…with both hands.

I’m a sinner. I know this particular struggle isn’t over. I will continue to pray that I won’t encounter “bad dog” food. I’ll also keep praying for a desire for holiness.

So why in the world am I sharing this? Because I figure I’m not the only sinner out there. And admitting to it isn’t always popular. So I thought maybe someone might benefit from knowing a fellow closet sinner. Kind of like going to AA. Hi, my name is ______and I’m a sinner. And in some ways, for me, this feeds the “good dog”.