The Best of Both Worlds

People say the dumbest things.  I recently read a great article about all the things not to say to a stepmom, but I would add one to it.  The craziest sentiment I’ve gotten, on more than one occasion, is “You guys have the best of both worlds!”

The first time someone said this to me, I sat incredulous, with no response.  Let me tell you about our two worlds. 

In our world of time with Isabelle, the key word is “time”.  And it is very short.  We have her with us on the first, third, and fifth weekends, every Thursday night, and on the off weekends, we get her for two hours on Wednesday nights (in which time Matt is expected to feed her, get flute practice in and homework done).  That’s right.  Read back through that and see if you can wrap your brain around it.  Go ahead.  I’ll wait.

Now, imagine trying to get all of your family time, father/daughter time, down time, homework time, flute practice time, concert time, play time, discipline and instruction time, science project time, movie time, and sleep time all in that space.  It makes for busy times.  We schedule time with our extended families around Isabelle time so that she can have the best possible opportunity to get to know her grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins.  Matt is the master at packing things in, especially fun, and we have a great time.  But it is exhausting.  Even on the slow times. 

Parenting in this world is daunting.  Our influence is primarily limited to the time when she is with us.  Though Matt and Isabelle’s mom work together relatively well, the first parenting truth you must face in the world of divorce is that you have no control over what happens in the other home.

Sort of.  Because as it turns out, you would think that in our Isabelle world, we would have complete authority over what happens.  But that is not reality.  She talks to her mom every morning and every night when she is with us.  This is an agreement the parents made together way back; and Matt has the same opportunity when Isabelle is with her mom.  But that means our day begins and ends with this outside influence that is frequently upsetting.  Sometimes that influence suggests not following our rules.  Sometimes it suggests what we are doing is wrong.  Oftentimes it tries to control our time. Sometimes it’s helpful and kind.  But often, it is not.

Isabelle time, for me, has gotten easier.  In the beginning, it was tough.  I had to step back to give Matt and Isabelle time and space alone.  And for a while, I didn’t quite feel at home in my new home.  I’ve never been a mom before.  While I’m not an overly selfish person, I was used to doing things a certain way.  That is all very different when you are suddenly living with a child.  It was a difficult time.

Not to mention the emotional struggle of the time together.  There are so many adjustments.  It would require far more than a paragraph to detail the inner conflict, guilt, and struggle of learning to love a stepdaughter.  And she is spectacular.  But I did not give birth to her.  I did not adopt her.  I fell in love with her father.  And I’ve learned to love her very much.  But I cannot overemphasize the challenge and growing pains for all of us as we become a family.

The ending of our times together is the most difficult.  Matt and Isabelle dread it.  They drag their feet in the last hours.  They push for every second.  There are tears.  There are excuses and pleas and extravagant stall tactics.  Sometimes they spend half the day grumpy knowing the time is coming to an end.  Some weekends are easier than others as we approach the goodbye.  But there is NEVER a time when this is easy for either of them.  And my heart breaks for them every time, even in the times when I’m secretly looking forward to our other world.  

In that other world, without Isabelle, she is always present.  So is her mom.  We have the two a day phone calls.  They are frequently ignored or postponed so that the return call comes just as we sit down to dinner.  Or leave for a date.  Or go to bed.  Or start a movie. 

But these calls are sacred.  I do my utmost to always be gracious about letting Matt take and make them.  Not because I enjoy the interruptions, I do not.  But because it is precious contact.  It is an opportunity to say good morning.  To hear about her day.  To say good night. 

I don’t know how long these calls will last, but if they are still happening when she is 16 years old, they will be well worth every moment of interruption.  If she is still inviting her dad in as a teenager, it was all worth it. 

Parenting doesn’t end when Isabelle isn’t with us.  It just gets harder.  Both parents have to make an effort to communicate about ongoing events and decisions.  Often on the slippery slope of texting and email.  We’ve gotten texts about all manner of nonsense at all hours of the day and night.  In fact, there was recently a boundary discussion, which seems to have helped. 

But make no mistake.  Just because Isabelle isn’t with us does not mean that we aren’t dealing with parenting and ex-spouse issues.  We are.  Every day.

And in the midst of that, Matt is missing his daughter.  Desperately.  He is missing hugs and kisses and laughter and tears and even some occasional sass.  He is missing watching his little girl grow up.  He is missing it!  That is NOT the best.  Nothing about that is the best.  It is the WORST!

Our world without Isabelle is not what some people seem to think.  It isn’t this time of frolicking about on random dates and outings and weekend getaways.  It CAN be those things.  But it is typically when we try to accomplish everything possible that needs to happen on the house, in the yard, on our cars, with work and school and overtime so that our family time with Isabelle will be less hectic.

For us, it is also our time of greatest communication, fussing, and compromising.  We spend a giant chunk of our “alone” time working through issues that come up as a result of Ex-intrusion and divorced parenting complications.  There has seldom been a week that has gone by when some wrench hasn’t been thrown in to the works.  This past week, in fact, was a doozy!

Now I get that all parents have lots of issues to work out between them in terms of marriage and parenting.  It’s a constant factor in a good relationship.  And it is not my intention to undermine that work that has to be done WHILE your kids are with you.  But divorce and remarriage and stepparents and stepkids and an ex-wife in law makes all of this even more complicated.  Like a lot.  Just…trust me on this.

So another part of our time without Isabelle is recovering from the time with her.  Matt enjoys this time, but it isn’t necessarily essential to his survival.  It is to mine.  Especially in the beginning.  Recovery happens during the whirlwind of other things we have going on, but it happens for me, in the form of down time.  Time when I’m not wracking my brain adjusting, planning, second guessing, and analyzing all the angles of being the best stepmom I can be with an eleven year old by my side.  I need this time.

So when people tell me we have “the best of both worlds,” I want to laugh.  Or cry.  Because as good as we make those two worlds, they are not the “best” for anyone.  They are the result of sin and brokenness and grief and loss.

And healing.

I think I know what the young mom who has said this to me about our “best” worlds is really saying though.  She hears me talk about a sweet date night that Matt and I had, and she is a little envious.  She is full time working and momming and fighting to have a little energy left over for her man when he looks at her with a twinkle in his eye and she is still dabbing at the smashed green beans that somehow made it in her hair while feeding her toddler.  She is exhausted too.  Just like me.

I’ve contemplated this “best of both worlds” statement off and on since we married nearly two years ago.  It isn’t entirely UNtrue either.  Our time, just the two of us, IS sweet.  But we have to choose it.  We have to choose to stop the madness and enjoy each other.  We have to choose to silence our phones and quiet our minds and just be.

To the outsiders looking in who think it’s the “best,” it often isn’t.  But we are trying (not always successfully) to choose every day to make it the best it can be.  And if your original, first marriage is whole and intact, but you are feeling a little jealous of your remarried friend who gets to have a date night…STOP the MADNESS!  Get a babysitter.  Beg a grandparent.  Call me!  I’ll help.  But make the time.  Prioritize your marriage.  Go on a date.  Go shopping without children.  Eat a meal without the sounds of siblings fighting and little boys farting.  Have wild monkey sex!  Please.  Because you don’t want this kind of “best.”

The best advice Matt and I got before marriage was from our minister, Scott Allen.  We were doing some skype counseling, and he said, “When it’s all said and done, you’ve got each other.  That’s it.  Isabelle will grow up and leave.  You have each other.”  Every single day I thank God for Matt.  And every single day he thanks God for me.  Because we’ve got each other.  And He’s got us.  THAT is the best.