While Actively Monitoring...

I have a dear friend who is very much like my husband.  One of the qualities she and Matt have in common is their knack for trying to fit in 57 things in the time available for 33 things.  It is a quality that is both endearing and challenging for a spouse.

She recently asked me if I ever felt like I was being dragged along in Matt's wake.  My immediate thought was, "No."  But it's an interesting metaphor that I've thought about frequently in the weeks since she first posed the question.  Today, while "Actively Monitoring," I had an opportunity to put this together in my head and jot it down a line at a time during my brief foot/leg rests.


Slipstream

Pulling me along
In your wake
We fly over waves
Ferocious and free

Wind on my face
Lightening speed
My heart races
Excitement and fear

Exhaustion's undertow
Pulling down
My legs kick faster
Cramping and sore

Always checking
Looking back
You never leave.
My partner in pain.

In quiet waters
You reach out
My hand in yours
Contentment and rest

Ghosts of Heartaches Past

Revenants.

Whispers of fear

Lurking in shadows

Tendril fingers reaching.

Tripping me on pain.

Apparitions.

Waiting patiently

Biding their time

Blitzing from nowhere.

Choking my spirit on dread.

Specters.

Stalking stealthily

Sneaking in uninvited

Sucking out life.

Stealing my breath away.

Phantoms.

Nearly forgotten

Hiding in corners

Brushing against bare skin.

Shivering my soul.

Guardians.

Gently reminding

Rescuers in waiting

Erasing secret doubt.

Soothing my heart.

Confessions of a FB Bragger

Some time back, I got sucked in to one of those random articles that shows up in my newsfeed on Facebook.  It might have been from Huffington Post, but it was something along the lines of “Facebook Personas You Should Avoid”.  I don’t really remember too much about it except for one.  And I’m afraid the worst has happened.  I must confess I’ve turned into that person on FB who always brags about her man.

Last week I posted something about how love is putting a heating pad at the foot of the bed for your wife, etc.  The next day I had to resist the urge to post another “Love is” status update.  In fact, I’ve been resisting the urge quite a lot.  I wouldn’t want to offend someone with my constant praise of my husband…so I’m blogging it instead.  Ha!

As it turns out, I don’t quite agree with the article.  I think praising your spouse is a good thing, especially to him.  But I also think it’s extremely healthy to praise your spouse in front of him.  But this FB posting thing, it’s a whole other thing for me.  My spouse is rarely on FB, so when I post something, he may or may not ever see it.  And I kind of get a kick out of all my FB peeps seeing how awesome he is without him even knowing.  I DO want to brag on him.  Not to make anyone jealous, it is definitely not a “nana nana boo boo” kind of thing.  I just want to share my joy.

And maybe more than that, I do not EVER want to take for granted how awesome he is and how blessed I am.  I see people do that all the time.  I’VE done that before.  Some people think we are just in the “honeymoon” phase.  Maybe.  But I’m ok with staying here.  At least as it pertains to being always grateful for the gift that Matt is to me.

So here are some things that I’ve jotted down recently, and some are things I do for him.  Not to brag about me, but to make a point that I’ll get to in a minute.

• Love is taking the wife’s car back out to get gas at 8:00 p.m.  so she has a full tank in the morning and doesn’t have to fill up in the dark either going to or coming from work across town.
• Love is staying up way past pumpkin regularly to bandage the husband’s head wound after his shower that was long past her bedtime.
• Love is putting toothpaste on your partner’s toothbrush each night when you do your own.
• Love is setting up the coffee the night before so that your partner can get caffeine in his/her system immediately upon becoming vertical.
• Love is making lunches for your wife every single morning including Friday’s when you could sleep in a little.
• Love is a candle lit dinner on the porch with the crystal glasses.
• Love is homemade cookies, just because.
• Love is homemade pancakes, bacon and syrup on Saturday morning.
• Love is knowing that 3 emojis in a row means “I love you.”
• Love is never running out of things to talk about.
• Love is being ok with Friday night takeout and movie at home instead of going out or a home cooked meal.
• Love is doing laundry and cleaning on your day off so the weekend is free for fun stuff.
• Love is holding hands as you fall asleep every single night.  Seriously.  Every.  Single.  Night.

Mostly, I think love is kindness.  I’ll never forget the first time Matt put toothpaste on my toothbrush at the same time as his own.  It wasn’t any big thing.  But I thought it was such a thoughtful and kind gesture.  Every night since then, whoever gets to the toothbrushes first puts the toothpaste on.  Not because it is the expectation, but because it’s just a nice thing to do.

I’ve never  met someone as thoughtful and kind as Matt.  His generosity of love makes me want to be more so in mine.  Is he perfect?  Umm…not even close.  Does he mess up?  Yes.  So do I.  All the time.  Do we talk about it? Absolutely.  And that is different for me.  In my past, I avoided confrontation.  Not anymore. 

The thing about FB and this blog is that once it is out there on the internet, it’s out there.  It is saved.  It is a reminder.  It is a place to look back and see what was.  It is a reminder of how I want it to always be.  So, if you don’t like my husband praising status updates, ok.  I’m totally comfortable with you not following me or even unfriending me.  But seriously, my husband is A-Maz-Ing!!!

How To Write A Love Note

Writing a love letter is not as complicated or difficult as you might think.  In fact, 

very few words are required at all.  Just speak from the heart.

I enjoy love notes that are a reflection of their author.

Love notes can be written on any kind of special stationery.

Thoughtful wishes for the day are nice.

Sometimes flattery is just the thing.

It doesn't take much to make a girl smile.

All that really matters is speaking from the heart.

If you don't think you can write a love note, you should give it a try.  It is the easiest thing.  It only requires a moment of time.  Valentine's Day is great.  But a girl who gets love notes daily, is blessed beyond measure.  Our Valentine weekend has had forensic photographer interruptions beyond our control.  But my sweet Valentine celebrates me every day.  He is amazing, and I am the luckiest.

Lifesavers

I read a note from Modern Mrs.Darcie recently that struck a cord with me.  She invited email responses to the question she answered, but I decided to post my answer here. The question?

What is saving your life right now?

I love this question because it takes the focus away from the very real and big struggles of being a new wife, stepmom, and parenting partner with the "ex".  And let me be clear, the last item on that list is GIANT! 

But I like the idea of stopping to celebrate the things in my life that are saving me and helping me cope.  

1.  Coffee.  My comfort beverage. There are few things as soothing to my soul as stopping in Starbucks for a cup of coffee and pausing to enjoy it.  Last week after a particularly trying day of parent partnering, I stopped for coffee before heading to HEB.  Sitting outside in the sun with my favorite tall beverage, I was still and found some peace.  

Occasionally I'll have an afternoon cup at work as well.  When the day is spinning out of control, an afternoon cup is exactly the pause I need. 

2.  Talk radio.  Seriously.  The emotional demands of my current life are exhausting, and I rarely get enough sleep. The 45 minute morning commute is rough.  Matt Patrick has become a dear friend who keeps me awake and between the lines.

3.  The afternoon commute. I never thought I'd see it as a blessing, but most days, it is.  It gives me time to unwind before I get to the whirlwind of activity that is my new life.

4.  Love notes.  My sweet Matt makes my lunch every day. In every lunch, there is a bag with a sweet note or drawing. And EVERY SINGLE TIME, it makes me smile.  And helps me breathe.

5.  My sponsor.  I have very good friends that I can talk to any time. They are the best.  But in the new land of stepfamily craziness, I realized quickly that I need more specialized guidance. If the first step is admitting you have a problem, I'm there.  I know I do.  So I started praying that God would send a fellow pilgrim on the journey who understood the pitfalls. But I wanted someone further along who'd already forged a path that was working. And it needed to be someone who wouldn't just sit around and gripe with me, because I'm good at that all by myself.  I needed someone with grace and compassion and helpful suggestions!

God sent me Peggy. She said she wouldn't be my sponsor, but she'd be my friend.  That works, though I still think of her as my wiser, experienced, "sober" sponsor.  We've met twice now and plan to continue.  She is SO uplifting and encouraging.  She gets how hard this path is, but she shows me that it's worth it.  She truly "sees" me in the present struggles and fully knows the pain.  She gives me hope that I'll survive the holidays.  Holidays can be difficult for traditional families. For stepfamilies, they can be a nightmare.  (And it was very positive of me to say "can be" because presently it feels more like "definitely are" is more accurate.)

6.  Undisturbed moments with Matt.  They are rare. Things are always pushing in.  Good things. Bad things. Time sucking things. When we have an evening without commitments or calls or chaos, it is absolutely sacred.  And absolutely vital to my survival. 

I am extremely grateful for the blessing of my new family. But I'd be lying if I said we were having an easy time of it. There is nothing easy about becoming a vital, healthy stepfamily. It is excruciating. 

In fact, I think it's about time for a cup of therapy...I mean coffee.

Palmolive

We recently switched to Palmolive dish washing soap per the recommendation of a plumber.  Apparently, the original Palmolive and Dawn soaps are the best for cutting grease and therefore the best for the old pipes in our home.  The smell of Palmolive takes me way back to standing on a chair to rinse between Steve and Richard, the washer and dryer.  I'm pretty sure their goal was to see how many times they could make me scream.  I did my best to even the score by perfecting my tattle tale skills.  This is just a little something that came from smelling soap last night.  :)

Scent Memories

Palmolive green

Smell of clean

Suds piled high

Siblings side by side

Washer

Rinser

Dryer

Suds stacked higher

Fights in between

With spray nozzle stream

Rinser vamooses

With bathroom excuses

Washer sprays dryer

Playing with fire

Wet towel snap

Bare skin zap

Chaos and fun

Dishes are done. 

Stretching the Seams

Marriage and stepmoming are kind of awesome.  But I’ve also found them to be like a new pair of jeans that fit a little snug.  They have all the awesome sparkles that fancy jeans do, the hugs and kisses and Friday’s pizza and movies, but they also have a little muffin top and waste squeezing when I sit.  You know, the no-more-alone time and crazy, talking-through- the-tough-stuff-after-10:00 nights that leave me exhausted.

I married the first time right out of college.  Because we did not have kids (a long, tragic story), and after a few years  spent very little time together in any meaningful way, I had a lot of time on my own.  I developed lots of habits and routines that didn’t really involve anyone else but me.  Later, after the divorce, I began to develop more of a social life, but I still had plenty of freedom to relax and veg as I wanted.

All of that changed after the “I do”s.  Team Matt and Laura actually do most things as a team, and I love it.  We clean together, work together, and play together.  When Isabelle is with us, we go hard.  Whether doing homework or packing in the fun, we are always on the go.  My jeans are fabulously sparkly.

On the other hand, some of that alone time I used to have…well…I miss it.  I miss having the opportunity to sit in front of the television and watch four back-to-back episodes of Criminal Minds while crocheting the next niece or nephew afghan.  I miss a lazy Saturday sleeping in followed by Starbucks and a leisurely mani/pedi .  It makes me feel like I need to suck in my gut.

So I’ve been learning recently how to stretch the seams a little.  I’ve discovered the mystery behind my mom friend’s glee at getting to go grocery shopping alone.  The first time I found myself walking the HEB aisles solo I felt strangely liberated.  Besides that, I’d picked up a grande, nonfat, no whip, three pump mocha along the way.  I’ve also learned that on the nights when Matt has HOA board meetings or some other commitment, those are my nights to be vegetable like. 

And then there is the commute.  From home to work takes about 45 minutes depending on the traffic.  Rather than the drag I imagined it would be, it’s become a morning gear up and afternoon wind down opportunity.  A couple times a week it is also prime time for talking to my mom, hands free of course.

Every day and week we are married, these fabulous, sparkle-butt jeans (as my sweet math friend calls them) begin to get a little more comfortable.  I find ways to grab moments I need for renewal that give them a little stretch.  Of course they always get a little snug again in the wash, but I’m beginning to have more confidence that each time, with a little wear, they will loosen.  I suspect that they will eventually become that favorite, go to pair that feel like home.