So Live!

When I taught American Literature to Juniors in high school, I always taught the poem “Thanatopsis” by William Cullen Bryant.  He was one of our great Romantic poets who often wrote about nature.  “Thanatopsis” is probably his most well known poem and certainly my favorite.  Basically, the poem is about death from the perspective of nature.  We all live, die, and return to the earth.  Whether king or peasant, the roots of trees will pierce our flesh and worms digest us.  Sounds depressing and gross right?

Well, there is more to it than that.  He ends with the following lines:

                        So live, that when thy summons comes to join

                        The innumerable caravan which moves

                        To that mysterious realm where each shall take

                        His chamber in the silent halls of death,

                        Thou go not, like the quarry-slave at night,

                        Scourged by his dungeon; but, sustain'd and soothed

                        By an unfaltering trust, approach thy grave,

                        Like one who wraps the drapery of his couch

                       About him, and lies down to pleasant dreams.

At the end, he concludes (very loosely) that if we are all bound for the same destiny, we have nothing to fear.  And therefore, we should approach death “sustain’d and soothed” rather than with dread.

And that’s all fine and good.  Obviously, as a Christian, I have fairly different ideas about the afterlife.  And my beliefs do allow me to approach death without fear.  But death isn’t actually the point I’m trying to make at all.  Seriously…stay with me.

My favorite part of the whole piece is the two little words that start the conclusion, “So live”.  I don’t think the comma after the words is accidental.  We poets use our commas and periods very carefully.  We only place them where we want a pause, a break.  And much of the time, we want our reader to pause for a reason.  I typically pause when I want to make a point.  Or when I want you to really think.

I think the entire message of this poem about death is not death at all.  It’s life!  So LIVE, he says.

Too much of the time, we spend our lives not truly living, but sort of strolling through in a trance.  Do you ever drive home from work, and when you get there, wonder how you did because you don’t remember the trip?  THAT’S what I’m talking about.

I do not want to go through life wondering how I got there.  Wherever “there” is.  I don’t want to get to the end and fear.  I don’t want to get to the end and regret.  I don't want to get to the end and wonder how I got there.  I want to truly be present in my own life.

I was talking to a friend this weekend about how much we enjoy doing “nothing”.  I spend a LOT of time doing “nothing”.  Games, Facebook, watching television, can all be “nothing”.  Not necessarily, but they can. 

Recently I’ve sort of unplugged.  I haven’t played WoW in weeks.  The last two weekends I haven’t watched more than a few hours of television.  I’ve cleaned, listened to music, spent time with Lola, watched softball, cooked for friends, read, started writing more seriously, connected with some new people…to name just a few things.

I’m sure that I’ll keep watching television and playing computer games.  I’ll read books and wile away hours on Facebook.  But, I also want to make sure I’m really present in my own life. 

I want to “So live,”…

Just Another Day

Parents fighting
Tires slashed
Resolve to leave
Never lasts

Teen mom
Missing daughter
Mother in law
Saboteur

Skipping class
Geometry fear
Mom’s tough love
More shed tears

AP classes
So much work
Fear of failure
No self worth

Fear success
Procrastinate
To cope with stress
Alienate

Student transfer
Sad, sad tune
Transfer revoked
A liar’s doom

Thinking twice
‘bout my life
It’s another day
In paradise.

 
Yesterday was a little crazy and exhausting.  But I love it still.  And as I was reflecting on it, Phil Collin's "Another Day in Paradise" came to mind.  As tough as the day was, I left here and went to the doctor for a regular check up, paid my $25 copay and got to see him.  Not only do I have insurance, I also have the money to pay the copay. 
 
Then I went home where I was greeted by Lola who thinks I'm God's gift to canine's...this after being crated all day.  Then I opened my refrigerator and pulled out food, which I never lack for.  I heated it in my handy microwave.  Watched DVR'd programming while I ate it.  And relaxed with my laptop in my recliner.  Took Lola for a walk around a lake in my cozy complex.  Then went to bed in my comfy bed with fancy sheets and covers.
 
Yep.  I've got it pretty good indeed.

Allergies

My head is puffed
My nose is stuffed
My eyes are gooked
I’ve had enough!

If I lean o’er
My nose will pour
It’s skin is sore
I hate this stuff!

Pardon me please
It’s time to sneeze
Hope I don’t pee
Allergies suck!

Lessons from Lola - Poop Happens

Unfortunately, because Lola was exclusively an outside dog prior to moving in with me, she isn’t 100% house broken.  For the most part, she has done great.  But let’s face it, I work long days.  And until she adjusts, well…poop happens. 

So here’s the thing.  Lola doesn’t want to have an accident inside.  She sure doesn’t want to do anything that upsets me because she is an extreme pleaser.  She loves her momma very much.  But until she gets adjusted to my schedule, she may from time to time have an accident.  And it really isn’t her fault.  So I’m not going to waste time and energy getting overly upset about it.  The good news?  I have wood and tile floors.  Cleanup is a breeze.  Doesn’t mean I want to do it, but at least it isn’t terrible.

I’ve been thinking about this situation in relation to life in general.  Bad stuff just happens.  The windshield wiper breaks.  The paperwork piles up.  The coworker gets bent out of shape.  The laundry pile grows.  The bill gets forgotten.  The dishwasher breaks.  You get the idea.  Poop happens.  It is our response to the poop that really and truly matters.

I find that the older I get, the less I’m inclined to get all crazy about this stuff.  Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t like it when it feels like everything that can go wrong does.  But getting all worked up about it serves no purpose whatsoever. 

With Lola, there are only a few things I can control.  I can take her out consistently.  I can control when and how much she eats and drinks.  I can usually control how long I’ll be gone.  I can control how I choose to train her.  In fact, I’m going to go buy a kennel today in order to begin crate training.  That is something I can control.  Something I can do to make the situation better.

The rest of life is the same.  There are only a limited number of things you can control.  You do your best to take care of those things, to be proactive in maintenance, etc.  But ultimately, when poop happens, as it always will, you then get to decide how you are going to respond.  Are you going to pout and mope for a week?  Are you going to whine to all of your friends and colleagues?  Or are you going to put your big girl panties on and just deal with it.  Better yet, are you going to put your enthusiasm socks on and jump in and get the poop cleaned up.

IM

Instant music
Instant words
Instant albums
Instant books

What happened to the vinyl?
The snap crackle pop.
What happened to the lyrics?
Raw and bloody thought.

What happened to the hardback?
Smell of fresh new words.
What happened to the pages?
Savored as their turned.

Instant pleasure
Instant food
Instant message
Instant group

What happened to the oven?
Baking something fresh.
What happened to the table?
Where the family met.

What happened to the talking?
Picking up the phone.
What happened to the listening?
Reading face and tone.

Instant missing
Instant bored
Instant distance
Instant ignore


This inspiration came from a conversation with a musician friend.  Thanks Mark.

Comfort Food

Sleeping late

With “stolen” blanket

Morning coffee

Hazelnut

Sipped in silence

On balcony oasis

Smell of flowers

Sound of chimes

Reading Koontz

Cover to cover

Criminal Minds

For dessert

Random thoughts

Crafted carefully

Cookies in milk

In Dad’s old mug

Lessons from Lola - Unleashed

It’s been four days, and I’ve already learned many lessons from Lola.  I’m sure none of you will be surprised that I’d want to share them.  So be warned, I’ve already got several of these lessons brewing in my head.  =]

Besides house breaking, so far, the most important training for Lola and I involves our daily walks.  Lola has to learn how to walk beside me on a leash.  It’s not ok to drag me.  It’s not ok for me to have to drag her.  It’s also not ok for her to attack other dogs, chase every leftover dog smell, or tangle me up in the leash.

The training basically happens naturally with the leash.  The key is that I have to hold it consistently.  When she tries to run ahead, it tugs her back.  She doesn’t like that, so she quits.  When she lags behind, I keep walking.  She either walks or gets dragged.  It hasn’t taken her long to catch on. 

I’ve noticed that there are basically two exceptions to this overall good behavior.  One is when I am inconsistent.  If I let her chase smells for a few minutes, she then wants to take advantage of the slack in the leash and lead me all over the complex.  The second is when there are other major distractions, namely dogs.

So as I’m going on these walks, observing her behavior, I’m thinking about how it applies to me.  First, I, like the rest of the world, need consistent boundaries.  Whether I set them for myself or someone else sets them for me, I need them.  I need that gentle tug on my collar when I rush out ahead to do something stupid without giving it any thought.  I also need that gentle tug when I lag behind.  Whether I’m lagging behind at work, or lagging behind in life, I need the boundaries.  I need the tugs that tell me to get it into gear.  They might come in the form of deadlines.  They might be gentle reminders from friends.  They might be natural consequences of my actions.  But whatever form they come in, I need them.

And then there are all of those other doggone distractions.  Other dogs.  Sometimes a simple “no” will keep Lola on track.  But sometimes I’m literally dragging her away, and she is fighting me so hard I nearly lift her off the ground by her collar, which can’t possibly feel good.  But she fights on.  And frankly, it’s in her nature to do so.  Checking out other dogs and people and smells is what dogs do.  So to train her otherwise, is no easy task.

Again, I’m thinking of myself and humanity in general.  According to scripture, we have a sinful nature.  It is in our nature to poke our noses into all kinds of places they have no business being.  And it’s not like you can escape temptation.  It walks right on the same sidewalk toward you blocking your path.  And for me, sometimes “no” is all it takes to keep me from doing something stupid.  But sometimes, I think I fight the leash and nearly strangle myself to get into trouble that God would clearly like for me to avoid. 

I suspect that this training that Lola and I are doing is going to continue for as long as she is mine.  I’m sure she will get the hang of things for the most part, but I’d bet that there is occasionally going to come along some kind of trouble that she just can’t resist sniffing out.  But I am not going to let go of the leash and allow her to get eaten by some big mean dog…or the little pesky ones.

I’m also pretty sure that my training is going to be lifelong as well.  But I’m 100% sure that my trainer won’t give up on me.

Nightmares

Scream awake
Dark night dreams
Subconscious
Fights the demons.
Lie awake
Chase the tail
Escaping back
Inside my head.
Scream awake
Security
Run away
From darkness.
Chase the light
Lay back down
Darkness now
Is fading.

I don't remember having nightmares as a kid, but as an adult, they've become a regular occurrence.  About four years ago, their regularity and severity increased.  Two years ago, I was having them several nights a week.  Typically, I scream and wake up.  Sometimes I go right back to sleep.  Sometimes not. 

The number and frequency of them has decreased dramatically in the last year, but last night was a doozy.  I guess my brain continues to work on things while I sleep.  I scared Kim and Lola half to death when I screamed in the waking.  My neighbors probably don't appreciate it either.  I don't even remember what last night's terror was about specifically, just the general theme.  I'm so glad they are on the decline.

Long Journey Home

Kim and I set out for Houston at about 12:30 a.m.  We'd gone to bed early so that we could get up and out and home quickly.  As it turns out, the trip was a couple hours longer than usual for extra stops and time for walking Lola. 

Lola was a great traveler and slept the vast majority of the trip on her knew car blanket.

When we finally made it to my apartment, I was surprised to discover that Lola had never done stairs before.  Guess who carried her up three flights?

She was shaking and very afraid by the time we made it inside.  She looked around and investigated a little, but mostly stayed right beside me.

She finally began to wander around and investigate.  She disappeared in to my room and suddenly began to bark.  It was the first time she had barked all day.  I hopped up and went to see what she had cornered.  This is what I found.

In case you can't quite make that out, she found herself, in my bathroom mirror.  Too funny.  I finally had to close the bathroom door because she kept going back to check out the scary dog in the other room.

Not long after figuring out where her food and water were, she needed to go out.  This time, my arms were free of bags, and it was just me and Lola.  With very little prompting, she walked down all three flights of stairs by herself.  Yay!  We then walked all the way around the lake so she could get the lay of the land and sniff things out.  At the beginning of the walk, she battled against the leash.  By the end, she was walking right beside me on my right, almost perfectly.  I was pretty impressed.  So glad I've been getting trained watching all of those dog shows on the Animal Network!

We got to the stairs, and she slowly made her way the entire three flights back up.  I'm pretty sure she knew I meant it when I'd told Kim there was no way I'd be hauling her up the stairs every time.  =]  Or, she is just a smart dog!  Lucky me!

As we've settled in this evening, she has definitely figured out that I'm her momma.  She has followed me everywhere and wants to be sitting beside me constantly.  I put her blanket in her dog bed so that it would have her smell, and I nearly cried when she curled up inside, right next to me.  She's found her home.

But she occasionally gets up for a little lovin' from her momma.

I think she's had all she can handle for one day!

Ornery Orange

There’s a mystery afoot
In these here parts
It colored the day
With an orangish start.
I got here extra early
To start on my list
Looked down at my pants
And got super pissed.
There’s an orangish stain
Running down my leg
It looks and smells
Like some ketchup dregs.
So I’ve gotta stop
And tell you right now
I haven’t eaten any ketchup
So I don’t know how
Such a disgusting stain
Could have suddenly appeared
And through no help from me
Seems to have smeared.
Jennifer told me
It matches my shirt
And I was super nice
Didn’t tell her to eat dirt.
I’m totally grossed out
And I wanna go home
Gotta hide in my office
Cuz I sure can’t roam
Out and about
Someone might laugh
And the mood I’m in,
I might say, “kiss my a**.”
How did this happen?
This ketchup mess
Did I smash a packet?
I must confess
I have no idea
What I could have done
All I know is
It ain’t no fun.

Altars

Days roll ‘round

Once every year

Reminders of trials

Of judgment and fear

Markers of memories

Of bone deep pain

Of losses so great

Overshadowing gain

Sometimes the day

Marks a big question

So many years later

Claimed only suggestion

Other days conjure

A different feeling

One of victory, freedom

The beginning of healing

But all the days matter

Each one a rock

Stacked into place

Faith building blocks.

Sometimes a recipe calls for you to "reduce" a series of ingredients.  What they are wanting is for you to boil it down to the concentrate.  Or close to it.  They want you to get rid of the water and fluff, leaving just the essence.  That is how I tend to think of poetry. 

Tonight's reduction isn't hitting the spot with me though.  It's failing to fully capture my thoughts.  My heart.  This time of year has many markers for me.  Signposts.  Most are pretty darn painful.  And I think it's ok to stand in that pain for a minute and remember.

But then I think you have to look behind you and see where you've been.  And then look down and up and see where you are.  And then ahead to where you are going.  Appreciate how far you've come.  Feel what you feel right now.  Look forward.  And take a step in faith.