I Wonder

I wonder what it’s like
To be the Voice
That sings the lullaby
That quiets the tears.

I wonder what it’s like
To be the Kisser
Of scratches and scrapes
With magic healing powers.

I wonder what it’s like
To be the Soother
When the coach yells unfairly
Poking your sore spots that were already bruised.

I wonder what it’s like
To be the sideline Cheerer
Bursting with pride at the block
That all the other parents are cheering too.

I wonder what it’s like
To be the Stylist
Of hair and sparkle and bows
Sharing excitement over the date.

I wonder what it’s like
To be the Listener
Of problems and worries and stress
That just listening to seems to deflate.

I wonder what it’s like
To be the Mom.


Thanks to my niece, I got to glimpse some of this over the weekend.  I got to do the hair and have the "mom bag" with extra sunscreen, water, snacks, hairbands, hand sanitizer, and books.  I got to cheer and groan with the crowd.  I experienced the desire to throttle the coach.  I got to hear the crowd cheer for my girl.  I got to hug and snuggle and dry tears.  It was a little bit of heaven.

I know people sometimes wonder about my feelings on this topic of not having kids.  My answer sort of depends on the day.  Overall, I'm at peace with the decisions I've made about it in the past.  I did what I thought was right, and I believe that God blessed those decisions. 

On the other hand, I'd be lying if I said I didn't think about what is lost.  Of course I do.  Not having kids is the death of a dream.  Any death requires mourning.  I mourn the loss of kids at different times and in different ways.  At this point in my life, the pain isn't nearly so sharp as it was years ago, nor as frequent.  I am very content and God has blessed me richly with hundreds of kids that I get to work with daily...then send home to their parents.  =]

I wrote this poem and this post as part of that mourning and healing.  I'm sharing it in an attempt at honesty.  That's what my blog was meant to be about.  And I'm definitely not looking for you to feel sorry for me.  I'd also love it if you didn't leave comments about it not being too late for me to have kids or adopt or other stuff like that.  I know all that is true.  And I'm open for whatever God chooses to do with my life. 

I have found that when a person mourns, the best response is just to acknowledge the loss and stand in that pain with the person.  No need to try to fix it.  Much like sitting Shivah.  Thanks for taking the minute it took to read this to stand in my grief with me.