FB Trigger

I hate divorce.  It is not glamorous, and I do not recommend it.  But sometimes it’s necessary.  Divorce is the death of a relationship.  And with death, there is mourning.  Grief comes in stages.  I’ve grieved the death of my father and understand that the process never completely ends.  The pain of loss eases over time, but the mourning comes and goes.  Holidays, anniversaries and other life markers can stir old feelings of sadness or loss triggering the process of working through familiar emotions in different ways.  This is a healthy thing.  It’s how grief and loss work.  And when you work through these different triggers and feelings in a healthy way, you grow.  Goodness, I sound like a counselor.

Last night I hit a trigger unexpectedly.  A friend of mine accepted my friend request on FB, so I went and looked at his page.  I got to thinking that he might be friends with some of my former in-laws.  Sure enough, he is.  One page led to another, and in minutes, I’d seen faces and caught up on more news than I have in over a year.  And it hurt like crazy.

One of the most searing pains of divorce for me has been the loss of family.  They say that when you marry, you marry the whole family.  The same is often true in divorce.  I didn’t feel like it was fair or right for me to “steal” family from my ex-husband, so I chose to let the relationships with all of my former in-laws go.  In reality, it's hard for people to be neutral in a divorce.  I felt like he needed that support system and hoped they would surround him with love.  But it has been very hard.  I'm very much a relationship person.

For many years, I had almost no contact with my extended family, but lots with his.  The cousins really got connected.  I went to all of the weddings and most of the reunions.  I loved them.  Truth is, I still do.  But this last year, I missed births and birthdays and anniversaries.  And that is hard. 

Another piece of the mourning is that I have no idea what those people whom I loved and respected think of me now.  I know in my brain that it doesn’t matter.  I’m good with me.  I believe God is good with me.  Other than that, it shouldn’t matter.  But “seeing” some of them made me wonder all over again.  And I’m going to have to let that go.

And that’s the point.  Grief is a process.   And I will continue to work through the triggers.  I’ll think.  Cry.  Think.  Crochet.  Think.  Process.  Cry.  And think some more.  And I’ll be better and further along on the journey.  But today, I feel what I feel.  And mourn.