Voices

There’s a secret voice inside my head,
Hiding in the darkest corner
Crouched behind boxes of old memories.

He watches my every move
And sighs.
Listens to my thoughts
And rolls his eyes.

I pretend he isn’t there.
And for a moment, I forget.
Thinking he’s the past.

But sometimes, he leaps out of hiding
Arms waving
Shouting, “STOP!
You’ll get lost!”

But today is different.
I turn anyway,
Tentatively
And find my own way.

Sometimes he tiptoes,
Creeping quietly
Whispering, “Don’t!
You’ll break it!”

But today is different.
I do it anyway,
Cautiously
And fix it.

Sometimes he swaggers up,
Looking at my reflection
Accusing, “You aren’t…”

But today is different.
I look back
Steadily declaring,
“I am…”

Tomorrow, I may listen
For a moment
And think he’s right.

But someday, silence.
Faded echoes
Of forgotten lies.


Written 1/26/11


Sometimes you listen to lies so often that you begin to believe them.  And sometimes the silliest of them can be devastating.  For example, I was told for years that I had no sense of direction.  I've told people myself that I'm "directionally challenged." 

A while back I challenged that belief, and it was very scary.  The day I wrote this poem, I was driving to work and stopped at Hastings for coffee in Canyon.  I'd thought for weeks that I could take a short cut through one of the side streets to get to my school faster.  But I was afraid to try.  I mean really afraid.  But after several weeks of thinking about it, and we all know I'm an over analyzer, I decided that the worst that could happen was that I'd get turned around and be a little late.

As it turns out, my guess about the shortcut was correct.  It was a very big day for me.  I know it seems small, but from then on, I began to challenge the belief that I couldn't find my way.  I've explored lots of short cuts since then.  And I don't recall a single occasion when I've gotten lost.

Since I moved back home, I've done a lot of exploring.  The area in which I live isn't exactly where I lived before, but it is familiar.  I've explored back ways to the main shopping center and to church.  And I've been able to find my way.  And I've discovered that I have a feel for where things are in my mind.  Now, I still have difficulty "sensing" north, south, east, and west, but I can point and tell you which direction my mom is, or my Supertarget, etc. 

There are a number of lies I'm doing battle with.  And it may take years before the voice is completely silenced.  But I'm making progress.  =]