Queen For A Day

One of the ideas that I heard over and over in my home growing up was of “giving up your rights”.  The idea was not living as if the world owed you something.  Sometimes you have to give up what you perceive as your “right”.  For example, do I really have the right to not be cut off in traffic?  Well, no.  I don’t own the road.  I share it with others.  Others who are flawed and who do stupid stuff.  So, if I believe that it is my “right” to not ever be cut off, then the 500 times a day I get cut off I’m going to be angry and/or frustrated.  What’s the point in that?  It's a simplistic example, but you get the idea.

I guess the underlying theme of that concept is being selfless.  My mom really wanted us to understand gratitude and selflessness.  She taught me from a very young age that serving others brings joy.  It is rewarding in and of itself.  This teaching came in a variety of ways, but I remember her talking about it a lot.  Doing a job for someone else can and should bring joy.

Mixed in with these teachings were training in the traditional roles of wife and mother.  My mom wanted me to know the joy of being a “good” wife and mother.  She wanted me to learn the pleasure of taking care of my family.  That sometimes even the dirtiest of jobs could be rewarding because of doing it for someone you love.

I learned these lessons well.  I am a people pleaser by nature, so the idea of doing something for someone else bringing me pleasure makes sense. 

But somewhere in there I think some of these good things went horribly wrong.  In some of my relationships, pleasing the other person by giving up my rights caused me to lose my self.  What I wanted and/or needed no longer mattered.  Except that isn’t really true, of course.  It DID matter.  But I was so focused on pleasing the other person, keeping the peace, that my wants and needs went mostly unfulfilled.  That kind of neglect isn’t sustainable forever. 

I’m not actually blaming this on anyone.  I made choices.  But having had the last year to reflect on my life, I think all of this is significant.  I think some healthy beliefs got polluted in my mind and in the pattern of my life.

The last months I’ve been doing things for myself.  Physical things like growing my hair out and tanning.  And emotional/spiritual things like “crochet therapy” and reading.  All in an effort to rediscover the transforming me. 

But I have found lately that it is something with which I still struggle.  I’ve moved and have been decorating my new place.  I bought new bedding for the master bedroom and things to coordinate in the master bath.  What I picked is totally me.  It’s beautiful and feminine, though not flowery or frilly.  There are ten pillows on my bed that I love assembling each morning.  It makes me feel utterly indulgent and peaceful to walk in to my home and see that pile of pillows neatly arranged.  And the Bath and Body Work’s  Lavender and Vanilla scent makes me feel like I’m at a spa every time I catch a whiff. 

But I must admit that every choice and purchase has been a struggle.  Not financially.  Target and Walmart are my friends.  But emotionally, I’ve struggled with buying things just for me.  Choosing things that I like without worrying about what anyone else thinks.  I’d ask my friend Kim about some small piece and she would say, “What do YOU like?”  And I’d have to stop and think about it.  It felt so selfish.  And frankly, I didn't always know the answer.

On one of our Hobby Lobby visits, we were looking for something to hang in my bathroom, and she came across a piece with a crown like a queen.  The colors were perfect.  I was hesitant.  A crown???  She said it was perfect because this was MY space.  My little every day spa.  I gave in.  Later I spotted a piece that said “hers”.  I joked about hanging it next to the crown.  Kim loved it, and I reluctantly gave in.  Though if I’m honest, a little part of me was pretty excited about it because I knew it would be cute and clever, but mostly, because it would have meaning.

Is there anything wrong with me being the queen of my home?  I’m the only one living there after all.  Why shouldn’t I choose what I want?  I can’t think of a single reason.  But it is still difficult.  It makes me feel selfish.

Transformation is a process.  I don’t think giving up “rights” equals giving up identity.  Though I do think it’s connected to taking on the identity of Christ.  I’ll keep chewing on it.  But for now, I find that the line between selfish and having my own opinion feels as though it were drawn by an ultra fine tip pen.  And while I am tentatively enjoying making these choices, don’t worry.  I haven’t convinced myself that I’m the Queen of it all.  =]